The bond created between two individuals in a relationship is usually very deep hence breaking up leaves one or both of the individuals in physical and emotional pain. Divorce can be really tough on you as the lady in the relationship. You may find it very hard to move on and even not sure of the best course of action. Here are some few tips that can assist you to emerge from the divorce process stronger and more empowered.
Press the reset button
You have a choice to allow the euphoria that goes with divorce flow within you or you can decide to take charge of the matters. Most divorce proceedings are lengthy and painful processes. This means that you have to wear the tough cap to get to the other side in one piece. You have to deal with grief, anger, loss, shame, and strain and start loving yourself. You also have to shed your past, both good and bad and envision how you are going to face the future alone.
Resetting your mindset also involves accepting that your darling is no longer going to be your love. You also accept the possibility of losing a part of your assets and even the custody of your children. Most women lose out on such areas as custody of the children or fall into depression because they do not accept that, for a fact, their marriage is gone. Accepting the situation will help you plan and strategize how to go about the divorce proceedings and get on with life after that.
Take charge of your finances
There are so many women, some very successful and rich but do not handle family finances. If your husband is the one in charge of managing your investments and paying the family bills, there is the likelihood that you are in the dark. Most women give control of the money to their husbands while others have a controlling husband who never wants them to be informed and involved.
It is actually frightening to go into a divorce process without knowing the family’s financial status. You may not know the liens that may be payable by you or how much you are worth as a family. Your first step should be to learn everything about family finances, the good, the bad, and the ugly. For example, you may not have known that your husband was a gambler and took a lot of credit off your credit card. It may be time to know this.
Take a step-by-step approach to knowing your finances. Review the bank accounts, check the credit statements, look at the tax returns, and any other financial documents. The aim of the scrutiny should be to get an estimate of the financial standing of the family and not necessarily to uncover your spouse’s philandering ways. Talk to your accountant, business lawyer, or broker for advice on how to go about it.
Once you have learned the family financial status, it is time to become actively involved. You may have to go to school to pick some few accounting skills if you do not know how to use QuickBooks or understand what entails a balance sheet. Make your budget and control your spending. If you had not had your credit cards, it might be the time to get some under your name.
The law requires that you have an agreeable plan as to when and how you will divide the joint accounts and close them. If you have not been having your account, it is time to have one. Moreover, if you have concerns about unauthorized access to your private accounts, you may have to change your account numbers, create stronger online access passwords and notify auto deposits and withdrawals. This will prevent him from siphoning off your cash at his pleasure.
Document everything that concerns the family
Apart from the finances, there is a lot of other information that you need to put on the record. You may ask for disclosure of the items in his possession. Put receipts, leases, acceptance letters, and bills in one location where they are easily accessible. Recall important dates and locations that may matter during the divorce proceedings. In divorce proceedings, facts matter more than the opinions, and you never know when such information may come in handy, to your advantage, during the proceedings
Channel your energy to yourself, positively
It is not the first time a divorce is happening. Thus, do not lose your head over divorce. Again, avoid the obsession to go through your spouse’s phone records looking for evidence of the presence of a girlfriend. That only serves to make you bitter. The first step to healing is shifting your focus from your husband and into activities that are more positive. Take life on from a different angle.
Engage in productive discussions
Do not engage in silly fights with your soon to be ex-husband. These fights are never worth your time especially now that you are parting. Become the bigger spouse in the room and end the fighting. Use the time together to address issues that are more productive. Whenever any discussion ends up in a brawl, walk out of the room.
Ladies talk much more than men do in a typical conversation. You are likely to drag an issue for hours on end. To avoid this, get a stopwatch and measure the amount of time that you spend in any discussion. If the discussion takes more than a half an hour, take a break. Most men would switch off if they were made to sit and listen to endless hours of whining. More so, communication breakdown may have been one of the causes of the breakup. Thus, spending hours trying to talk will not work out at all.
Come for the court proceedings whenever possible
It is good to be present at the court proceedings and depositions. It is a hard thing to do for you as a woman, but you can work with your attorney to make it easier. You may just make a technical appearance at the start of the depositions and leave when you like. You would just be sitting next to your lawyer and would not be required to say anything during the whole proceedings. Being at the proceedings help you let go a lot of negativity and brings in a feeling of accomplishment. Just as you would do when you have hosted some intimate friends to a dinner, it is the same feeling that you should project when it comes to your deposition. Take control of the situation.
Do some things that make you happy
Take time to indulge and enjoy some little pleasures such as going to the cinemas, taking a walk in the park, gardening, or the lazy bubble bath. Rekindle some of the passions and interests that you have been keeping in the backyard since you got married. You could get a new job, travel for a holiday, renew lost friendships, get closer to your family members, or go back to school to get a new skill.
Women tend to give most of their attention to their husbands and rarely have time to themselves. During and after divorce, surviving this new phase in life is dependent on how good you treasure and honor yourself.
In the same line, ensure that you take good care of your body. Wear some good makeup, start eating healthy foods, get enough sleep, get some exercise or some meditation sessions such as yoga. You need as much energy as possible to pull through this kind of situation. Feeling physically stronger will help you feel mentally stronger. A combination of both will help you weather storms that will be coming your way during this period.
Surround yourself with supportive people
Despite wearing a brave face and meeting the divorce head-on, there will be the time that you will be in pain and hurting. Physiologists encourage people faced with a loss to mourn. Mourning heals your emotional hurts and helps you accept and move on. It is not easy, though. You will need someone to offer a shoulder to cry on and hold your back. Do not isolate yourself. It is quite easy to hide under the sheets and hope that you are dreaming or indulge in drinking in a bid to wish the situation away. Instead, spend time with some supportive friends, text them, chat up with them and whenever possible, join them for dinner. This kind of warmth will give you a feeling that someone still loves you and that you are treasured and it will be less painful.
Be careful about what you put online
Think before you write anything down whether a tweet, a letter, a blog post or a status update. Most of what you post online may end up there forever. In the heat of the moment, you may take revenge on your partner by disclosing some gory stories and secrets of your marriage. You may also post some funny images of your partner along with some tactless words.
It is unfortunate that women tend to share much more than men on some private matters. There is no need to let the world know that your man was so awful in bed or had some other weakness that people did not know. Such would come to haunt you after you have have moved on with life. If you find that your partner has posted some nasty information on some social sites, do not waste time trying to argue it out online. You will end up having more of the emotional drain and exposing more than you should. Just tell him to stop.
Avoid sharing such information with friends and family members too. Sharing some of those details will just shame you and not make you better. At this point, you may also not be sure of the genuine, empathetic friends or the pretenders. Become strong and keep the information to yourself.
Seek medical care when you cannot handle it
If you find it hard to continue with your daily business, eat or sleep for over two weeks due to anxiety or depression, seek medical attention or clinical counseling. Do not let this go for more than three weeks. We are all not very strong, and the divorce may have hit you hard.
If you have been crying day after the other at home or on your desk, are getting suicidal or feel the urge to harm others, seek medical attention immediately. You may end up endangering your life and that of the others in the process and making things harder for you.
Seek a life coach if you feel stuck in getting past the relationship and establishing yourself. The coach will help make independent decisions without seeking to please your ex-husband. Moreover, do not expect them to make any decision in your favor. Do what is good for you, your children, and your future.
Tell the children that you are parting
The children also bore the pain of divorce and separation. It is important to tell the children that you have decided to end the relationship. Ensure that you hold age-appropriate conversations with your children and only share what they can handle at their age. Be open to feedback from your children and let them share out their feelings. Tell them of the plans that you have with your spouse to take care of them after you have parted ways. More importantly, be there to show them that you care. They will also be going through a hard time and just like you, they require assurance and love during this period.
Report any attempted at physical, emotional or other abuse during this period to the authorities. You may seek court protection for you and your children during this period. You should move on with your business free of any intimidation.
Divorce is not easy. However, if you can find your way as soon as you get divorced, your life will be a lot easier, and you will suffer less pain in the process.