Musalia Mudavadi – Hired to fill 30% Luhya quota in Cabinet. Been Minister since 29. Experts are torn between Lethargy and Joyriding as his middle name.
Kithure Kindiki – Given a soft landing after failing to secure Deputy President slot. International Lawyer with zero experience in security matters. Rewarded for pleading with the ICC not to jail Ruto. Barks like a rabid Rottweiler but bites like my grandmother’s dog, Osama.
Njuguna Ndun’gu – The most controversial Central Bank Governor of Kenya. Adversely mentioned in the irregular award of an Sh1.2 billion security tender in 2014 and the sale of the Grand Regency Hotel that led to the sacking of then Finance Minister Amos Kimunya. Even in the sewer, the cream rises to the top.
Aisha Jumwa – Like Arsenal on top of the premier league pole, even she can’t believe she’s a Minister. Famous for weeping during vetting to slalom past tough questions on her competency to hold a Cabinet office. Reads prepared speeches like she’s filling Sudoku.
Aden Duale – You walk into a room and the first thing you’re told he’s General Mohamud Mohamed’s son-in-law. Spends 99% of his time on Twitter advising Raila Odinga as Al Shabaab wreaks havoc in our borderlands. Someone advised him to wear thick-rimmed glasses to look like he knows what he’s doing.
Alice Wahome – Her political star has risen steadily since beating an IEBC official like a drum in 2017, which goes to show the quality of leaders needed in Ruto’s cabinet.
Alfred Mutua – If not posting photos of his pink suitcase at foreign airports, he’s busy fighting Victor Kawaya on who loves Ruto the most in Ukambani region. Had Ababu Namwamba not have aided Ruto in making a diplomatic goof with the Western Sahara fiasco, Dr Mutua would now have been Minister for Foreign Affairs at the Machakos People’s Park only.
Moses Kuria – Spends his time thinking about urinating on Mama Ngina’s door and competing with Nairobi County’s manholes on who can excrete the largest amount of sludge on a rainy day. Still waiting for the reopening of Uhuru Park so he can circumcise anti-Gov’t protestors.
Rebecca Miano – The only CS in Ruto’s Gov’t deserving of a Cabinet call. She must be learning well under Monica Juma’s wings.
Kipchumba Murkomen – The son of an Embobut Forest squatter now reaping the dividends of his political loyalty to Ruto. Engineers say the Roads Ministry should never have been given to someone whose only competency is wearing a sisal wig to court and watching the proceedings with his mouth closed.
Soipan Tuya – Daughter of a former MP, and first Maasai woman to be appointed to the Cabinet. Long live affirmative action.
Zachariah Mwangi Njeru – If you put a picture of this guy alongside that of a sack of maize and asked your average Kenyan on the streets to point at the picture of the Lands Minister, nine-out-ten times, they’ll point at the sack of maize.
Eliud Owalo – Cabinet Secretary for Luo Nyanza UDA Rejects and Asembo Home Affairs.
Peninah Malonza – When the vetting report for the CSs were presented to Parliament, she is one of two cabinet appointees who were recommended for relegation. But God works in mysterious ways and we thank Him for the rains.
Mithika Linturi – Part-man-part-controversy. If he’s not being warned by Hon Marianne Keitany not to set his unwelcome foot in Aldai, he’s confusing hotel rooms with reckless abandon. Should’ve been Minister for Scandals but the constitution doesn’t envisage a post like that.
Ezekiel Machogu – Another 2022 election loser saved by Ruto. Journalists covering his press conferences have been forced to buy an Abagusii-English decoder, for fear of writing their own things when quoting him verbatim.
Ababu Namwamba – From swearing in Raila Odinga’s name during the Grand Coalition Gov’t to promising to die for Ruto, the confused Sports Minister still can’t decide between Tawfiq and Terra which is his middle name.
Simon Chelugui – The only Uhuru Kenyatta Cabinet Minister who made it to Ruto’s cabinet. And that says a lot about his personal ambition.
Florence Bore – Anyone heard about her? Susan Nakhumicha – Her head is in Afya House while her heart is deep in Matisi Corner firing police officers at roadside rallies and scheming on how she can be Trans Nzoia Governor in 2027.