A foreigner has described Kisumu City after visiting it for the first time. Her description didn’t impress Luos.
Below is what she said about Kisumu:
“Kisumu is a weird city though. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t say it’s not shit, I just said it’s a weird city.
Kisumu by far is my third favourite, ok make it fourth favourite town right after Eldoret, Nakuru and the ultimate city of sin, kanairo.
First of all, Kisumu is hot. Yani it’s so hot right now that when you spit while outside the house, the spit/saliva won’t even hit the ground. That shit dries up mid air.
Kisumu, is both big enough and small enough. Kisumu is big enough such that it doesn’t experience traffic jams. If someone ever lie to you that they’re stuck in traffic Kisumu, just move on coz there’s no point of being close to people who can’t come up with better lies.
Kisumu is the first Kenyan city with ‘Jo ng’ware’ the original bodaboda riders with those analogue mamba bicycles.
You’ll be going about your business in the middle of the CBD and from your peripheral vision you’ll see an old skinny very dark-skinned man on an equally dark and old bicycle coming at you at a speed of 110km/H. The next thing you’ll here before he flies past you with his passenger on the pillion will be the ‘kiring! kiring!’ of his bell.
Kisumu is that one town with everything there is for a city to have ; a lake? Check! And old disfunctional state house? Check! Agakhan Hospital? Check! A central bank building in dire need of fresh paint? Check! Five star hotels? Check!
Also, Kisumu is one of those towns without proper estates. Yani the way in Nairobi you can leave town, queue for a matatu and then sit in that same matatu for an hour ndio ufike home, in Kisumu that’s impossible.
In fact, if you sit in a matatu from Kisumu for a whole one hour, wewe kuna possibility you’ll get off in one of these places ; Kakamega, ogugis, Kericho , nyamira, Kendu bay or busia.
Matatus and ‘estates’ in Kisumu won’t give you the comfort or luxury to bond with them. You can’t board a matatu, sit next to a stranger, flirt with them and get off with them. Immediately you sit next to someone who is your type, they get off even before you gather the courage to tell them they smell like your dreams.
Ata milimani ya Kisumu is like a stone throw away from the CBD (ya Nakuru is like 3Km if not two).
In terms of hospitality, this city scores way above average. This city has some of the best hotels in the country, Ciala sits at the pinnacle (for me) followed by the rest.
Here, people have actual nyash (sio za kulazimisha). A lady from here will never lift one foot while taking a pic at an attempt of making their ‘nyash’ protrude. It comes naturally to them. Here everyone is in fact curvy, it’s not even something I unusual.
Then there’s the skin colour. People are dark, and beautifully so. Huku skin ya akina Wambo ni tithe. If a wambui or a Wanjiru stood at the centre of the CBD then they stand a chance of being noticed from as far as Homabay.
All in all, tembea Kisumu, waruaki dala”
