Below are the 25 stories that trended in Kenya this week:
1. Education CS George Magoha has suggested that the age of consent (sexual consent to be clear- could be consent to eat avocado you never know these days) be increased to 21. No, the world is not coming to an end.
2. Dennis Itumbi was arrested for allegedly being behind the fake letter that kicked off the storm around DP Ruto’s assassination claims. He has been in the police cells since, went to court once and claimed he has video evidence (a recording) of the conspirators planning to kill DP Ruto. While there he made friends and that friend is now on suspension. Muthaiga OCS was yesterday interdicted for taking a selfie with Itumbi hehehe. This world.
3. 17 robbery with violence suspects yesterday escaped from a moving police vehicle in Nairobi. They have not been found. Hehehe.
4. The Auditor General Edward Ouko sent a few of his officers to Garissa County to audit (find out about) pending bills totaling to Sh 2.6 billion. When Ouko’s officers got to Garissa, they were told by the county officials, that there was no point of them travelling to Garissa. The county government had no document. None! Meaning no audit. How come they have no documents/ records you ask… They say all their documents were washed away by floods after Tana River burst its banks in June 2018. Hehehehe. This beats the dog ate my homework excuse.
5. Someone was trying to go to London while hidden inside the wheel space of a KQ plane. The balls! He did get to London. Fell from 3,500 feet just before Heathrow. That’s like falling from Rongai to the CBD. Left a hole on someone’s backyard where he landed.
6. South Sudan President Salva Kiir came to the country. Uhuru Kenyatta gave him land in Naivasha to build a dry port. He recently gave Uganda’s Museveni land in the same Naivasha. We should do something about this guy (UK), he’s either going to give out all of Kenya for free or use it as collateral for Chinese loans.
And while still on South Sudan, Uhuru Kenyatta appointed Kalonzo Musyoka as a South Sudan peace envoy. Can they take him? As in can South Sudan just take him… they grow lots of watermelons there, he’ll fit right in.
7. Armed thugs raided a church in Kiboswa area in Kisumu County, stole Sh 1.6 million meant for the elderly. Elsewhere, Police in Kiharu constituency are looking for a pastor who crushed the testicles of a man he suspected of having stolen from him.
8. Blogger Robert Alai was released on Ks 500,000 bond. He denied being an Al Shabaab member? Sympathiser? General pain in the ass?
9. Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko is contemplating sending some Kibra residents to France so that they can go and visit their ailing MP Ken Okoth. Okoth, who revealed a few months ago that he is suffering from cancer, seems to be getting better. This week, he visited the Kenyan Ambassador to France Judy Wakhungu at her office. Sonko please drop this idea, don’t take them. Kibra residents uprooted the railway to Uganda (they didn’t even go to Uganda, just uprooted the line behind their windows) since then they’ve been thinking that they are Kings and Queens… can you imagine how they will treat us if some of them went to France? They might come back and start calling KDF mandazi croissant. Nope, we are not ready for this.
10. DP President William Ruto crushed the hand of Health Cabinet CS Sicily Kariuki at Bob Collymore’s memorial. Crushed it like she owes him the presidency. It has been agreed that women should henceforth just clap hands when they meet Ruto (like those religions that don’t shake hands) or gotea (fist bump) the man. No handshakes and never be caught hugging the guy, unless you want him to squeeze your ovaries out.
11. The new currency is running into one trouble after the other: First they said the design was copied from Uganda or was it Namibia? Then there was the problem of an image looking like Matiang’i on the notes, turned out not to be him. Then came the banki or benki controversy and now, Okiya Omtata this week found out through his lawsuit that Central Bank did not follow due process when creating the Sh 1000 notes.
12. There is a farmer whose bull crossed into another farm to mate a heifer (cow) in Timau… some magistrate (Meru Senior Principal Magistrate Thomas Muraguri ) fined him Sh 4,000. I hope he went back home, looked deep into the bull’s eyes and told him in a Jeff Koinange voice: I hope the shot was worth it you horny fool!
13. The New York Time advertised for a new East African Bureau chief, to be based in Kenya. Should be someone who is ready to write about conflict, pirates, deserts and uncharted territories. Nonsense.
14. Moses Kuria wants to make betting a full time job – should we tell him that he is late. Betting is already a full time job.
15. Someone wants the HARAMBEE in the Kenyan court of arms removed and replaced with the word Kenya. He went to court.
16. A woman in Meru County cut her husband into tiny pieces and hid his body under the sofa.
17. Homa Bay Women Rep Gladys Wanga this week revealed that she has been battling colorectal cancer. That she is out of danger though.
18. A mad man was arrested in Kakamega on Thursday with Sh 250,000 and a bunch of plastic bags. Don’t ask me, I am also wondering if he was legit mad.
19. Safaricom CEO Bob Collymore died on Monday July 1st. It was announced on July 2nd that he would be cremated soon after, and on the same day, it was announced again that he has been replaced at work by former Safaricom CEO Michael Joseph. All these things have happened, including a memorial service. Collymore has been eulogised as a kind, considerate CEO and an attentive and well-meaning man. And apparently he was well connected, so much that Tony Blair was at his memorial. He also had a boy’s club consisting of the likes of Peter Kenneth and Joshua Oigara of KCB, a boy’s club that urged each other to learn how to fly choppers… see your life, you and your boys are busy urging each other to go to The Four Horsemen Lounge along Lang’ata Road for drinks- Issa good plan by the way. (A reader emailed me this on Thursday evening: Can you ask people what they will remember Bob Collymore for in the Weekly Briefs on Saturday?) Consider yourselves asked… How will you remember Bob Collymore and please no talks about Safaricom eating your data bundles…
20. There are MPs that have asked DP Ruto to resign following the revelation that the assassination plot was fake. Another group is calling for anyone mentioned in or around the tape (the conspirators) to resign-should they be serving in government. This Fake later thing is tiresome, no?
21. Did you know that your Kenyan passport allows you entry into 70 countries visa free? I didn’t, know too. Classic 105 FM reported that on Wednesday.
22. The Kenya-South Sudan Highway is moving towards its final stage of construction.
23. An MP in Nakuru went for a meeting that was convened to discuss the increased sale and consumption of alcohol in his constituency silly drunk. When he was called to the sage, he staggered up there and had to be helped out of the place.
24. Lupita Nyon’o was spanked on stage by Janelle Monae (This is nonsense… but I had to put it here). Jah Cure is in Nairobi for the Umoja Splash Festival. Diamond’s new girlfriend Tanasha is pregnant. Radio presenter Adelle Onyango went full force on Jalong’o after he claimed that she has invited him to appear on her new show (she didn’t) the whole thing didn’t end well for Jalas.